Q: What's 3800km long, and makes the Tour de France look like a Sunday pootle?
A. The Transcontinental, of course. And it's currently underway...
If you haven't yet heard of it, the Transcontinental (or TCR) is an ultra-endurance bike race that sees 300 amateur cyclists bikepack across the entire European continent in as little as a week.
It's a little bit mad, it's highly addictive - and for anyone still suffering from Tour de France withdrawal symptoms (red polka dots flashing before the eyes, yellow complexion etc), this epic race may just provide some unexpected relief.
Now in its 4th year, the Transcontinental originally ran from London to Istanbul. This year's edition features a new and lumpier challenge: on Friday evening, some 300 riders lined up at the start in Geraardsbergen, Belgium and pointed their saddles to the finish line in the Turkish port of Çanakkale - the nearest modern town to ancient Troy.
The rules are, there are no rules - at least, not many. It's an unsupported race (no team cars, mechanics, soigneurs or any of the luxuries enjoyed by the pampered pro peloton) meaning that riders must carry with them everything they need. There's no set course: riders must navigate their own route across the continent, via four mandatory checkpoints that the organisers have invariably placed, with gleeful sadism, at the top of mountains: Puy du Dome, the Furkapass, Passo Giau, and Durmitor.
There are no stages either. Since the race started on Friday evening the clock is continuously ticking, and riders pedal through the night grabbing a few hours - or minutes - sleep wherever they can.
If it sounds grueling, it is; the attrition rate is high, and the 'ghost tags' of dozens of scratched riders litter the map.
Among the early retirements is the 2015 champion, Britain's Josh Ibbett, whose defence lasted just 300km before injury struck (his preparation was less than ideal after being bitten by a dog, but that's a separate story).
One of the more graphic reasons for pulling out came from Gafyn Meredith, citing a 'broken cock':
Don't try that on your sicknote, kids - but er, get well soon Gafyn.
For an untelevised event, the Transcontinental is a surprisingly compelling spectator sport. Every rider carries a tracker, and you can follow their progress on a lovely big map of Europe via the TCR website:
As you can see, one rider is well ahead of the field in this year's race. That's Kristof Allegaert, aka 'The Machine' - two-time winner of the TCR in 2013 and 2014. Currently hurtling through Bosnia & Herzegovina, Allegaert looks odds-on to complete a hat trick. But, with his rivals taking a shorter coastal route through Croatia, might there yet be a sting in the tail?
So far, the evidence suggests not. In six full days of racing, Allegaert has racked up just 7 hours of stationary time; the man's a phenomenon. Does he never sleep?
If you want to try to catch Kristof napping, you can follow the action via the official website's blog, as well as various TCR Twitter and Facebook feeds. Many of them are updated by self-titled 'dot watchers' - the obsessive fans of the race who follow riders' every move.
Some of the riders are updating their own and the official Facebook and Twitter feeds too. Their banter is of the quality you'd expect, sleep deprivation notwithstanding:
- Stuart Henry James has been stopped twice by members of the public mistaking him for the Pokemon they've been hunting
- Londoner Darren Franks has set up Twitter accounts for various body parts, notably @DarrensArse ("WTF is going on?") and @DarrensBalls ("The driving force behind this TCRNo4 adventure") - with the various members trading increasingly surreal chat...
- And then there's Rory Kemper's "fruit of the day" photo:
Best of all though are the daily YouTube diaries by Francis Cade of the TCR media team. Packed with rider interviews and glorious shots of scenery, as well as behind-the-scenes footage, they really capture the epic essence of the ride.
Just a word of caution if you do end up tuning in: prolonged exposure to TCR can cause delusions of wanting to sign up for next year...
Join the dot-watchers
New to dot watching? Check out the live maps from Trackleaders.com or frrt.org - both sites show riders' locations and ride stats in real time. Black dots are solo riders, grey is for pairs. The transparent 'ghost tags' are scratched riders.
Here are just a few contenders to look out for:
Kristof Allegaert (3)
The two-time winner and overwhelming favourite, Belgium's unstoppable force is gobbling up the miles like so many stroopwafeln. At one point an entire country ahead of his nearest rivals (Slovenia, fyi), can he maintain this pace to the finish?
Ultan Coyle (4)
A champion 24-hour TT rider, the Irishman was in contention last year until shredded tyres on the descent of the Assietta and a run-in with a taxi in Sofia put paid to his pursuit of eventual winner Josh Ibbett. Ultan puts his artistic chops to work for Rapha - he designed their iconic Pantani jersey, among other credits.
Currently in 9th position, can Ultan take inspiration from his home town Dundalk's recent exploits in Champions League qualifying and seal a spot in the top 10?
Philipp Schwedthelm (16)
Philipp is sales manager for Assos UK, and recently embellished his CV with a stint as reporter for Sportive.com - you can check out his report on the 2016 Dragon Ride here. As if treating the 305km sportive as a training spin wasn't sickening enough, he also cycled from London to Wales the day before.
Philipp loves a mountain, so has presumably enjoyed the past couple of days in the Alps and Dolomites: he's currently going strong in 33rd place. You're doing us proud Philipp.
Emily Chappell (7)
A former London cycle courier turned author and adventure cyclist, Emily's fantastic blog is well worth a read for any fan of distance cycling. After withdrawing from last year's TCR on day 8 she is back to finish the job. Currently schlepping through the Dolomites just a few km behind Philipp, Emily is on course to win the accolade of fastest woman - but there's still 2000km left to race...
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